Sunday, August 30

Advertising in Italy: My personal Cleo* Awards

Italy is known for its creative genius, probably a notch above the norm. So, I'm starting to think...that in this Brain Drain we've been having over the last few decades, that they're not the engineers and architects, pizza guys and researchers who've been leaving in droves: They are the people who are supposed to come up with terrific ads - so grande, in fact, that we actually want to go out and purchase something we don't need. Any long time readers of my blog or book will know that I believe the entire country needs a crash course in Marketing 101. So, here's the latest in the good, the bad, and the downright rotten in terms of my line of vision (since I thankfully have no TV):

Dishonorable Mention • Carrefour Supermarkets

This August, when the streets have emptied, the store fronts have closed, a 25+ year dream of mine came true - A supermarket open 24 hrs. Why they picked the only time of year in which no human beings are in town to do so has kept me up nights. And while I'm thrilled to drop in at a reasonable 10pm or 11pm, really? We're going to go from supermarkets just making it til Sunday morning all the way over to 24/7 in one fell swoop? Talk about Culture Shock. It's like giving Africans iPhone 6s without walking them through land lines first. 
But seeing that we all have long-abandoned Carrefour years ago when the crisis hit and their prices just kept going up to make up for the lost sales to the Austrian discount chains, it's going to be my neat little secret. No advertising, I can just see the September marketing meeting. 
- What? You're telling me you sold 6 boxes of cous-cous and 14 tomatoes in all of August???
-- No, Sir, there was one American who purchased a box of Corn Flakes and some almond milk too.

The Sloppy Seconds Award • Name Withheld

I wish I could have recorded look on the faces of the (very) elderly couple as they approached their car after coming home from vacation. The husband quickly tossed the advert off the windshield, but his wife, not missing a beat, asked him wth???
Now. This could be genius marketing, especially if we were living in 79AD and phalluses were really the in thing. Every home had them depicted on walls, they were sticking out of funerary monuments, and carefully crafted on every statue. But it's 2015.
And I don't know who did their focus groups...but, someone's got to tell these dick heads that generally speaking, it's women who a) make the purchase decisions of households b) decide to go out to eat and c) pick the place. The guy just drives and pays.
And, conducting my own personal poll of about one, I can confidently attest that when a guy asks you out to eat, and even though the Milanese have a tidy expression for what comes for dessert (Cina, Cena, Ciula - Movie, Dinner, Sex), there is nary a woman who thinks - Andiamo! - about having her date's piece in her mouth when she'd rather help herself to a plate of carbonara. So, guys, let her enjoy her meal first. Just saying.

The Malpensa Award • The Latium Region 
[in honour of Milan's Malpensa - IllthoughtAirport where you will always find adverts to fly in/out of there, as if you have any other choice]
This ad has been plastered all over buses and bus stops all around Rome & environs. It boasts of all the great things our marvelous region has to offer; the riches, the gastronomy, I'm sure making a big splash while I type at the Milan Expo2015. The words across the top say This is just a Taste. Brilliant.
But the caption reads, Come and check us out at the Expo - You'll want to get to know us even better. Better than what? Or shall I say, whom? Better than someone who - ahhhh - LIVES in Latium? Better than someone who regularly visits the beaches? Drinks wine from the Castelli? Heads over to the thermal baths? So, yes, come up to the Milan Expo so you can take a look at what is in your very backyard. Glad to see our tax dollars at work.

Most Improved Advert Award • Binacci Arredamenti (Furniture)

Although I'm going to mourn my morning LOL every time I left with the dog and got a glimpse of the latest narcissistic attack by Mr Binacci, this Feel Happy campaign is just great (save for its use of English - ugh). No more seeing him live out his 007 James Bond dreams, his Star Wars (or was it Star Trek?) fantasies, light saber and all...
But for those of you who might be nostalgic, I've already documented some of his follies in previous blogs entitled Advertising Age (live link). And did I mention he's trying to sell us a kitchen? 

*The Clio Awards are for the Ad Industry, but my new baby kitty is Cleopatra

Friday, August 21

Godfather Goodbye: Breaking down the Roman Rage over Funeral of a Mafia Boss

In posters hung around the church, il Boss
Vittorio Casamonica appears in papal
vestments bearing the caption
It's not like we don't know that the mafia lives and breathes down our collective necks and pretty much runs everything around us. Not a day goes by when Rome's Mayor doesn't pick a string - any string - from the grande ball that is Rome and unravels it only to find that it inevitably leads to some criminal, who, with their illegal buildings, waste removal contracts, human trafficking and beach resorts, live actually quite well for a malvivente, Grazie. It was one day earlier that his Administration nailed 59 ne'er-do-wells for a whole host of criminal dealings.
Look north, and in the city once termed Tangentopoli (Bribe City), the mafia contracts for the Milan Expo were uncovered but quickly dispatched out of sight, out of mind, just in time for inauguration day. Who said those Milanese were anything but efficient?
But this ostentatious funeral of a Gypsy King who ran prostitution rings, drug deals, and gambling and extortion pools was over-the-top. And I don't mean for the six black Clydesdales bringing up his gilded funeral carriage, nor even for the playing of the theme song to The Godfather which I actually found quite amusing. No, we're hopping mad for an entire card shark's deck of reasons:
1) The Traffic Tie-up -- Just like back in Imperial Rome and during Berlusconi's reign, all of a sudden cars came to a complete stop; blocked in traffic to make way for the funeral procession. In Italy, funeral processions rarely have the right of way, and certainly not one that shuts down roads for hours - while the black dark-windowed SUVs arrived to church. 
After a new electronics store, Trony, opened its doors on the day the iPhone came out causing the entire city to halt to a standstill, a judge forced them to pay the commuters who had filed suit and the City back as well.
Lucky for Mr. Casamonica, it's August and the streets are nearly empty. But on a normal day in September, his death would have truly stopped traffic cold. But not like anyone will ever ask La Famiglia to pay up for time spent stuck in traffic.  
City ordinance dictates that if you block public transport from continuing its course, you are fined something to the tune of thousands of euro per minute. Four buses had to discharge their passengers and sit to watch the entire spectacle. I'm surprised they weren't charged tickets. Despite this highway robbery, so to speak, I can just see the House of Casamonica countersuing the drivers for stopping along the roadside (also against the law so as not to favor prostitution) and no one even getting a blowjob. I can just imagine the lost revenues.

2) The Police Escort -- Adding insult to injury, the monolith cars were quadruple-parked in the streets, further blocking the traffic flow. But did anyone get a parking ticket? The traffic cops were there - paid for by the honest Romans who pay their taxes - but were tied up directing traffic for the Boss. 
Clearly, even though this Joe Shmoe doesn't pay taxes, he certainly loves the services they provide - at our expense. I'm wondering if we foot the hospital bill for his years of cancer to boot. Funny how that works.
Not to mention that if you or I double park these days, hefty fines are levied before a pigeon can even take aim at your car.
The police say they were 'directing traffic' and that no one "knew" for whom the bell tolled. Really? Just look up at the gigantic banners posted on the church just up ahead. Or, did they think that the Pope - with a nice dark tan - was coming to pay a visit?

3) The Church -- Okay, so we all love Pope Frank. But we also love him for his boldness in taking on prickly issues: the homeless, human trafficking, drug dealers, and the mob. Last year, he stated in no uncertain terms that anyone gaining their livelihoods by say, shortening others', should be ex-communicated. But the priest of Don Bosco church decided to look the other way, saying that of course, he could never - never ever - deny someone a proper funeral service. He also said he didn't know for whom he'd be saying mass. Oh really? Look out your stain-glassed window sometime. The banners showing exactly whom were up there since the morning. And besides, how are you going to talk about what a wonderful Padrino - errrr - father he was? You'd have to know at least his name. Our parish priest also said he didn't care what goes on outside his church, just inside. Well, then, clearly he needs to open the stack of mail on his desk in the sacristy...because he obviously missed the memo on ex-communication.
And we won't even go into this very church's denial of a proper funeral a few years back for a poor man, one Mr Welby. Stricken with such a case of severe muscular dystrophy, by the time he asked his respirator be removed, he was unable to move, eat or breathe on his own. Sound familiar? Oh yes. Just ask Pope John Paul II about removing respirators and "natural causes". He's a saint now - he may just give you an answer.

4) The Helicopter -- A helicopter hovered aloft and at just the right moment, out poured the rose petals - clearly signifying bloodshed, not purity (at least to this commenter). After all, it was a very tongue-in-cheek funeral. There are strict laws about aircraft over the city, about photographing things from overhead, and so on. No one was asked permission for this. But I'm sure if they had, they'd have been granted it. Don Vittorio's niece probably works in the licensing office. But if you or I so much as float a tiny drone overhead to take a picture of the umbrella pines, watch out. You'll be before a judge in no time. [I will note that they've suspended the pilot's license - you know, the guy who took off from Naples? Yeah. That'll deter him from future forays for sure].
The Gypsy Kings - Don Vittorio with Rome's former mayor Alemanno
at a dinner party in which the men all cut deals
on dealing with Rome's garbage
(no pun intended).
Click here for the perfect metaphor for these pigs

feeding at the trough
5) Ignazio Marino, the mayor -- This is my own personal pet peeve. Certainly, The Buck Stops Here. But really? Generations of clan/politician pacts at the expense of honest Italians and the guy who's working on outing this graft one piece at a time is the one who gets the blame? Romans (and politicians from all colors who wish to maintain the status quo) in unison blame their mayor. But still. 
They would rather slide it under the carpet (see Milan Expo2015) along with the gazillion more dead-end uproars for the sake of omertà and the beauty of Bella Figura. Go figure. 
As for Don Vittorio? I guess routing this rot is not unlike Hercules having to clean the Augean stables.
#IStandbyMarino and wish him all the Best. It's a pretty thankless task.

Live links above in color.

Wednesday, August 19

Chiuso per Ferie - Taking a Roman Holiday

In Italy, right around August 1st you can practically set your clock to the day (Friday) in which every store in your orbit closes those metal shutters and heads to catch waves at the seaside or on some exotic vacation to sit out the summer heat waves. What to new arrivals or foreigners may seem quite an archaic practice, with time you begin to see the bright, sunshiny light - and you mount a countdown to the day you can walk across a street without getting mowed down, find ample parking spaces anywhere, and even get the pick of the produce without a cabal of little old ladies beating you to it first. 
You ignore the traffic lights on every corner, and pay attention to those orange and green florescent signs signalling - not so subtly - that the time has come for everyone to recharge their batteries, including the car mechanics & electronic shops. But this year, something was different.
Suddenly, those signs were almost nowhere to be seen. And after a few friends commented on the change in our summer scenery, well, I thought I had to too. But those missing signs? Weren't because your hardware store or coffee shop or local pizzeria had decided to stay open for the month. 
Chalk it up if you will to the "crisis" or perhaps that corner hardware stores are now few and far between (taken over by gelateria) but I believe the store owners decided to simply not spend one red penny on the once ubiquitous little signs sporting their customary beach umbrellas and the dates of closure, just to rub it in. This year, nobody but no one bought into them. And so instead of those neat little cardboard announcements, this year marked the year of the hand or computer-printed signs CLOSED FOR VACATION. On nearly every store front. 
But lest you think the Italians are going the way of the Greeks, think again. While Americans like to pride themselves in their Calvinist work ethic, most other countries - even taking off the entire month - are still more productive than the USA. 
And...judging by the incessant hammering, drilling, painting and plumbing of home and store remodelling taking place every summer, there's still plenty of commercial activity going on for everyone. Just don't ask the tax man about it.
As for me, I'll enjoy my tiny - almost vacant - corner of the world, speckled with outdoor concerts and outdoor movies. And just put in my ear pods to drown the din of the shop owners seemingly on vacation, but actually OPEN FOR REMODELING.